Tack After Requiem
by AlaskaExists
Summary: Takes place at the end of Requiem and covers a few weeks after the end of the book from Tacks POV. Spoilers for Requiem and Raven (Delirium 2.5). One-Shot


I can't move. I can't breathe. This isn't happening.

I saw Rae's body start to fall back, heard myself yell, saw my arm snap out like it belonged to someone else to pull her onto the wall. Now that I have her, the rest of the world has ceased to exist. I can't hear the sounds of the shouting or the alarm or the ring of bullets against metal and stone. My whole world has narrowed to her head in my lap, to her dark braid against my eyes are wide and glassy. Sightless. Her mouth is just slightly open, like she's surprised or shocked. She's gone, but I can't believe it.

I gently push some of her hair off her forehead. Then I start talking and I can't stop. "Rae, you're going to be all right. I'll take you back to the camp. I'll get all the medicine you need. I'll come back just like I did that first time. Just like I promised. You just have to come back to me too, love. You just have to stay with me. I love you. You can't leave. Not like this. We can run away together. Leave this war behind and start a life and a family in the wilds. We can do whatever you want. Just don't leave me alone, love. I love you. I love-"

Pain explodes in my right shoulder and then my back as someone stumbles into me from behind. I bring one hand to my shoulder and it comes away covered in blood. I'm not sure if someone shot me or if the bullet has just ricochet off something and found it's way into my shoulder. I don't even care. I wish it had killed me.

I cradle Raven's body closer, bring my face down to hers and gently kiss her nose, her cheek, her neck, the sides of her mouth. Then I bring two of my fingers to my lips, before gently pressing them to her chest. It's our sign. And it's only then that I notice that the front of her is covered in blood. That her blood has soaked through her shirt and onto my pants and the stone of the wall. All the blood knocks reality into me again and my mind is consumed by just one word. _Dead. _

I can't pull my eyes away from her, though I'm suddenly aware of how strange it is to feel her weight in my lap with the absence of breathing and a heartbeat. The world still seems disconnected, everything muted and in slow motion. Il lean my head down until our noses touch. I close my eyes so I don't have to see her perpetually shocked expression or the blood still spilling out of her and onto my clothes. My lips are still moving, but I have no idea what I'm saying or if I'm saying anything at all. It doesn't matter now.

"Tack!"

I think I hear something, someone saying my name, but I'm not here anymore. With my eyes closed, I can almost pretend that Raven and I are in the woods together. Pressed chest to chest, whispering things to each other that no one else knows. I can almost feel her breath on my neck, the soft touch of her lips against mine, the warmth of her body as she presses against me, never close enough.

"Tack! Tack! Come back!"

The pain in my shoulder intensifies and I dimly become aware that someone is shaking me.

"Tack!'

I pull my face away from Raven's and slowly lift my head. Hunter's face fills my vision and I become aware of his hands on my shoulder's, shaking me. I meet his eyes and see shock momentarily mask the hardness and determination on his face, but he recovers quickly.

"You've got to fight! They'll kill you too! We need you!" he yells, even though there's less than a foot of space between us. I wonder why he's yelling until all the sound of the battle around us comes back in a rush. Screaming. Gunshots. Fire. I glance down at Raven again. She looks so young and small in my lap. These people killed her. These people took her from me. Suddenly, anger fill my veins. Rushing though my body white hot. These people need to pay. I need to fight, since she doesn't have a chance too.

But I can't leave her here like this.

When I glance up at Hunter his eyes are glistening and locked on Raven, but he forces his eyes away. I can see him blocking everything out. Now is not the time. The plan comes back to me in a rush. I was supposed to be protecting Pippa.

"Pippa-"

"She's fine. She's already on her way to plant the bombs."

I blink, trying to gauge how much time I've been sitting there. It feels like a lifetime, but I'm guessing it was less than a minute. Hunter has his hand on my uninjured should and is squeezing hard. His touch and the slight pain keeps me grounded.

"I don't want to leave her like this..." I start, my voice sounding low, almost swallowed by the sounds around us.

"I'll help you," Hunter replies, and before I can ask what he has in mind, I notice a guard behind him, lunging at him with a gun.

Without thinking I lift my gun and fire over Hunter's shoulder, hitting the guard in the chest, causing him to stumble and fall backwards. Hunter turns his head, then looks back at me with gratitude.

"Come on," Hunter says.

I nod and lift Raven's body, gently placing it against the side of the wall while Hunter watches my back. Once I'm sure Raven is as safe as I can make her, I turn my full attention back to the battle. There's more guards here than anticipated and more are already flooding the area, while more of our people are scrambling up the wall. The anger from early returns and I feel a bit of excitement course through my blood. I was born to fight. I was born to survive.

I start picking off guards in the area, though it's getting difficult to see through the smoke. Hunter stays next to me, knife raised and we both help to protect and pull people up as fast as possible. About a minute later, a deafening crack fills the air. Hunter grabs me again and shouts something that I can't hear over the sounds of the fire. He shouts again, "Grab her!"

This time I hear him and realize what's going on. The noise was a pipe bomb and the scaffolding is about to collapse, bringing parts of the wall with it. I understand all at once and hand Hunter my gun while I scoop up Raven's body. Her body is strangely stiff and heavy. I can barely position her to fit in my arms and even when I do it's awkward. But I don't have time to think about that. The wall is already shuddering, we have to move.

Hunter pulls me forward and I stumble, with Rae's dead weight in my arms, over the uneven terrain of bodies and rubble. The smoke is so thick now that I'm coughing and can hardly see Hunter in front of me. I try to watch for debris and bodies, but I keep stumbling. The pain in my shoulder feels like a fire all its own and I'm worried I won't be able to hold Rae much longer. We're only about 10 feet from the area where the bomb went off, before a loud crack fills the air followed by horrible metal creaking. The ground shudders beneath my feet and I drop down, shielding Rae's body with mine. The wall shudders again and the sounds of the world breaking apart fill the air. I keep myself locked around her as another loud crack fills the air. "I love you," I murmur, and then the world collapses beneath us and all I feel is pain until everything goes black.

I thought that was the end. So when I woke up an indeterminate amount of time later, back at the camp just outside of Portland, I was incredibly confused. For a second, I thought nothing had happened. That it was all a dream and we hadn't even executed the plan yet. I tried to turn onto my side, reaching my arm out, believing Raven would be right next to me, but a shock of pain in my head and radiating out from my shoulder made my breath catch and stopped any movement.

Everything was real. Raven's not next to me. Raven's dead.

My mind rejects the idea and I force it from my thoughts. Now the pain is like a heavy weight on my chest, crushing the breath out of me. I shut my eyes, hoping to go back to sleep, but someone puts there hand on my arm and yells at someone else that I'm awake. I don't recognize the voice, but I can tell it's a women. She keeps trying to coax me to open my eyes again and eventually I obey just to make her go away. She doesn't leave though, instead she puts a cup of water to my dry lips and helps me drink, causing me to realize how thirsty I am. She takes it away too soon and I try to ask for more, but my throat is so raw I can't make my voice work.

"I know it's not enough, but you can only have a little at a time," she says and her voice is annoyingly cheery and bright. I shut my eyes again.

It's a few days before I can really walk again, but the moment I'm able to stand I get up and stumble around the camp, looking for Raven's things. I end up collapsing not far from the makeshift hospital that was set up in the camp after the raid on Portland. I don't know how I made it back to the cot, but I wake up there later. I immediately try to get up again, my whole body bruised and straining, the bullet wound in my shoulder bleeding again, but someone shouts at me not to move and places their hand on my chest. Their hand is small and slim and barely applies any pressure, but I'm unable to fight against it. They might as well have pinned me to the bed.

My mind recognizes the voice, before I even get a look at her face.

Lena.

I turn my head, ignoring the sharp pain, to look at her. She's looking down at me and her eyes are full of concern and kind of puffy, like she's been crying. I notice a young girl clinging to her other arm and feel my eyes go wide. It's Blue. But then I blink a few times and notice the differences between the two girls. This girl's chin isn't as pointed, her eyes aren't quite as vibrant. Her hair is nothing like Blue's. Despite all that, it's still hard to look at her, so I turn my eyes back to Lena, about to ask her if she can get me Raven's things. If she knows what happened to her body.

Before I can ask Lena reaches behind her and holds up a small pack and a bundled up sleeping bag that I recognize as Raven's. Having her stuff allows some of the tension to leave me and my body seems to sink into the cot. Though it still doesn't feel real. An image of Raven throwing herself in front of Pippa, of her shocked face as she starts to fall backwards off the wall slams itself into my brain. I squeeze my eyes shut, try to remember how to breathe, and block it out. I can hear Raven's voice saying, "_The past is dead_." I can feel how desperately she needed to believe that, even though she knew it was never quite true. Some things stay with you forever.

It's been over two weeks now, since the raid on Portland. It's been over two weeks since I lost the love of my life. I wasn't as injured as first thought. I was pretty bruised and battered all over and had taken a hard hit to the head, but the worse injury was the bullet wound, which was already starting to heal, since the bullet had been removed.

I haven't let anyone touch Raven's things, though I know that's stupid and selfish. Despite the influx of supplies from Portland, there's never really enough. Eventually, I had to give up some of her clothes, but I'm still holding on to one of her shirts. When someone tried to take her sleeping bag, I ended up giving them mine, just so I could keep hers. The first night I slept in it, I could still smell her. A hint of lavender and the crisp smell of the wind when the weather changes to fall. Now I can't catch her scent at all.

I haven't cried, instead all I feel is either empty or angry. I continually snap at everyone when they try to speak or get close and sometimes the anger is so strong I have to leave the populated area so I won't hit or break anything. When I found out that her body wasn't salvageable from the wreckage of the wall, when someone muttered that she was "unrecognizable," I lost it. I started throwing anything I could get my hands on, needing to hit something, to break something. Even though I was still weak, it took Hunter, Bram, and one other person to stop me. After I'd calmed down a bit, I just sat on her sleeping bag, clutching her backpack to my chest like a lifeline.

I still don't know how I'm supposed to live without her.

We've been together for over seven years. That's a lifetime in the Wilds...more than a lifetime for some people out here. All this time we have been wound together, needing each other, giving and taking in strides. We'll never plan anything else together, or argue over the best way to do something. We'll never sneak off in the middle of the night together, carving a place out in the dark and silence that is ours alone. I'll never feel the soft press of her lips against mine or get my fingers caught in the soft tangles of her hair. I'll never see the way her face slightly flushes each time she tries to say the word "love," or the way she rolls her eyes and smiles at the ground when I repeat it over and over. She's the only one whose seen that side of me. She's the only one whose knows my real name, my real past. She's the only one that I've ever felt comfortable sharing everything with.

I don't know how long I've been sitting alone in this trailer, staring blankly at the wall, but eventually Lena's voice pulls me back to the present. I blink until Lena's face comes into focus.

"Hey," she whispers, like I'm a wild animal she doesn't want to startle.

"Hey," my voice is low and hollow sounding.

Lena looks like she wants to say something and opens her mouth to speak, but abruptly closes it again. She takes a deep breathe, gathering her courage, before finally speaking.

"I'm going to be leaving for Portland in the morning."

All I can manage is a nod of acknowledgement. There's hardly anyone left at the camp and I knew Lena would be leaving with her mother soon. Tack and Bram left a few days ago, when they couldn't wait on me any longer. Both of them stopped by the day they left and tried one last time to persuade me to come with them. I was still pretty weak, but the journey to Portland was short and they swore that I'd be more comfortable there anyway. They had food, water, medical supplies, and best of all, beds and hot water. I'd already made up my mind though. I wasn't going to live in Zombieland, even if most of was under the control of the Resistance now. It was only a matter of time before reinforcements got through our barricades. I wanted to stay in the wilds. I didn't want to have to be in the place Raven died.

When I finally snapped at Hunter and Bram to hurry up and leave, because my mind was made up, they stopped trying to get me to come with them. They left me alone and went to finish packing, but right before they left they came back to say goodbye. I didn't even look at them, barely acknowledged their presence. That was until Hunter came over and roughly grabbed my arm, shaking me until I looked up at him from my spot on the floor. I could see the agony in his eyes, he was miserable too, but I couldn't help him. I couldn't even help myself. I was expecting him to yell at me. Tell me there's no time for acting like this, but he didn't say anything. Instead he fell to his knees next to me and wrapped his arms around me. Bram is immediately on my other side, hugging me too. I wanted to hug them back, but I couldn't get myself to move. I wanted time to turn back. I wanted to turn back time when we were all reuniting at the homestead, when Raven, Lena and I had just gotten back from New York.

They pulled back quickly, before I really had a chance to react. Hunter turned away and wiped at his eyes with the back of his arm. Bram's eyes glisten, but he remained composed, standing first and pulling Hunter up with him. They said goodbye and I barely forced a goodbye from my lips. Once Lena leaves, I'll be the only one left. Even though I want to be alone, part of me wants to keep Lena here as long as I can. Then I get an idea and I'm asking before I have a chance to talk myself out of it.

"Lena..." I start and her eyes snap back to me. I have to clear my throat before I can continue. "Lena, will you go through...her stuff for me?" I still can't say her name, each time I even think it, it hurts.

Lena's face is pale and her eyes water and I think she's going to say she can't, but she quickly composes herself. The tears disappear from her eyes and she sets her jaw and lifts up her chin in determination. It's an expression she got from Raven and I have to look away again. I pull myself up on the cot and sit with my legs hanging over the side, while I motion for Lena to go through the her stuff at the end of the bed.

Lena grabs Rae's backpack and sits on the floor so I can just see her out of the corner of my eyes. My whole body's shaking, I haven't had the courage to even look at the small amount of things that belonged to her. Somehow, it felt like an invasion of her privacy. Or maybe going through her things, knowing she didn't need the privacy, would force me to face that she was really gone.

Lena's hands are shaking as she opens the bag, but she takes a deep breath and stills them. I feel a rush of gratitude towards her. I know how much Raven cared for her, how much I still care for her. I suddenly understand why she came to the homestead so broken just a few months ago. I remember feeling sorry for her, but I couldn't help but get annoyed by the way she walked around looking like she'd rather be dead. I'd lost a lot of people over the years and it hurt, but I always fought. I couldn't understand why she wasn't stronger. I didn't like that she expected everyone to do everything for her. We all needed to work together to survive and Lena was taking resources without earning them. However, now I understand completely. I understand why she couldn't bring herself out of that dark hole. But Alex came back and she got Julian. Raven wasn't coming back.

By the time I tune back in, Lena has pulled a shirt out of Raven's bag, it's just a dingy gray T-shirt, but it's the only clothing I have left of hers. Lena reaches in again and pulls out a knife that I recognize as one of mine, that I thought had been lost in the raid and didn't know she had kept. Next, she pulls out a small plastic bag. Inside is a lock of dirty blond hair, tied together with a frayed piece of fabric. I know it's Blue's hair. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to find Raven awake, staring at the thin blond strands and my stomach convulses. When Lena pulls out a cheap plastic rings, scuffed and slightly cracked, I have to look away. I remember giving that to her years ago, when I found it in the wreckage while looking for supplies. She wore it on her finger until her finger started to turn purple from lack of blood flow and I had to help her wrestle it off. I remember her shaking her hand out, laughing at the worry and anger on my face as I tried to pry the hard plastic off. She insisted I didn't break it, though I was about to right before we got it off. I remember her snatching it from me and sliding it into her pocket. I had nearly forgotten about it and even thought she'd lost it long ago. I had no idea she still had it.

I put my head in my hands, not looking as Lena continues to set the bags contents on the ground next to her. I'm focusing on breathing, when I feel a change in the air. My shoulders hunch like I'm a wolf raising my hackles. I know that Lena's found something important, something she didn't expect. I want to look, but my whole body is locked in place.

"What is it?" I ask, my voice a strangled gasp. I'm surprised I can even get the words past the tightness in my chest and the knot in my throat.

Lena doesn't answer, but I hear her sharp intake of breath. I mechanically turn my head and the tightness in my chest becomes nearly unbearable when I see Lena's face. She holding something, but her hand is still in the bag so I can't see what it is. But the look on her face is terrifying. Her eyes are wide with shock and her mouth is slightly open, though I'm sure she doesn't realize it. Her whole body is stiff.

"Lena..." my voice is barely a strained whisper.

She immediately shuts her mouth and slowly her eyes turn to me. So many expressions cross her face I can't read them all. Anxiety, shock, anger, sadness, and then...sympathy. My heart is beating so hard and fast that my head is full of the dull thumping sound. I feel like I might pass out.

She catches her breath and looks at me like I'm a child and she's about to tell me my puppy ran away. She pulls a thin plastic stick out of the bag and holds it up for me. My mind isn't working and I have no idea what it is. I feel a surge of anger at Lena for panicking over nothing.

"Tack...this is a pregnancy test," Lena says, slowly, like I need help understanding. "This is a _positive_ pregnancy test."

I stare at her and blink, my mind unable to make any connection between Raven, a baby, and a stupid plastic stick.

"Tack," Lena starts again. "Raven was pregnant."

My brain finally starts working again and a bunch of things from the past couple months come back to me. Raven throwing up every morning for weeks when we were in New York. The way she kept putting her hand across her stomach with a sad smile, when she thought no one was looking. I remember asking her in the car when we were waiting to save Julian, after she yelled at me to pull over before jumping out of the car. I remember the panic I felt, my white knuckles gripping the steering wheel. I couldn't be a dad. I couldn't justify bringing a baby into this war-torn world. How could a baby survive this? How could I justify fighting for this cause when there was defenseless child that needed me?

I remember the immense relief I felt when Raven told me she wasn't pregnant. I can still hear her saying, "_My stomach is just fucked up that's all_." I wanted to believe her so much and the relief was so immediate that I didn't even try to question her. I remember not being able to find my best knife when we got back. I thought some had taken it, probably Pike, but Raven must have taken it. She'd have to trade something really good in order to get her hands on a pregnancy test.

Still, I don't want to believe it.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"I'm pretty sure. Why would she keep a negative one anyway?"

I don't know how to respond to that, because the answer is she_ wouldn't_ keep a negative one. An image comes to my head, unbidden. Raven holding a baby close to her chest, wrapped in an old pink blanket. The baby has her hair and chin, my nose and ears, and the bright sky blue eyes. Blue's eyes. And I know without a doubt that we will name her Blue and she's the most beautiful parts of each of us. The image breaks into a thousand pieces when the pain of reality sets in. Raven will never have children and this child, _our_ child, died with her. I can feel everything start to build up inside, like the moment before a violent storm.

"Why would she fight if she knew?" My voice rises, "Why would she put her life and our-our-" I can't even get the word out. "What the hell was she thinking?!"

Lena flinches back from my anger as I raise my voice and rise from the bed. I don't have anything left in me to feel sorry or guilty. It seems like bright lights are flashing behind my eyes. White and blinding, red and angry. I'm angry at her for taking the risk, for dying. I'm angry at the zombies for taking her from me. I'm angry at myself for not being fast enough. I saw the rifle trained on Pippa, if I had reacted faster, Raven wouldn't have had to die that way. Maybe, if I had been faster, I would be the one dead now.

It's more than anger now though. The numb, empty feeling is starting to recede and in it's place is guilt and a kind of desperate denial as my mind still tries to convince itself that all of this is just a bad dream. There's also sadness so deep it's painful, like part of me has been ripped away, but I can still feel the pain. Raven, my phantom limb. I'm pacing back and fourth now, slamming my feet against the ground like I can pound it into submission underneath me. Lena stands up slowly and gently places the pregnancy test back into the backpack.

"Tack..." she starts, but I can tell she doesn't know what to say.

My mind is spinning, until all I can think is please make it stop. Without meaning too, I think of the cure. This pain is part of what loves does to us. This out of control, heart pounding, chest tight, I-can't-keep-living feeling is part of love. I briefly fantasize about being cured, letting them take this pain and anger and guilt from me. Then I picture Rae's face, hear her whisper my real name like it's her favorite word in the world and her most treasured secret. I remember the feeling of her jumping into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist when we met up at the end of relocation. I don't want to trade those feelings for anything. I don't want to forget how it felt to be close to her, pressed chest to chest, noses touching as we caught our breath. Those times when the world felt like it belonged to us. A world full of love and happiness and light, where no one died and for once I felt completely free. The cure would take that from me too. It would taint my memories of her and I'd lose her completely. Plus, if Raven found out I'd got cured, especially because of her, she'd kill me.

But I can't think about those times right now. So instead I punch the flimsy metal wall of the trailer.

The sound of my fist striking the metal rings out like a kind of dull, warped bell. The metal caves a bit and the shock from the punch vibrates all the way up my arm, but I barely feel it. I slam my fist into it a couple more times until the whole wall is warped. It's not enough though. I need these feelings out of me. I can't deal with them. I yell as I continue to slam my fist against the metal. I hear someone yelling at me to stop, but I barely register the voice. I strike out with my other fist and the pain is sharper, I've reopened the wound on my shoulder. When I hit the wall again, there's not as much force behind the blow, so I kick out with my foot. I'm sure I feel at least one of my toes break when my foot slams into metal. The pain barely registers, but I can feel myself shaking, my legs feel like they could collapse beneath me.

I'm about ready to slam my fist into the wall again when a hand grabs my arm, holding my arm back. I spin around, my other arm raised, ready to attack. I'm so wound up all I can think is attack. My fist strikes out, but I'm weak and slow. The women who has grabbed me dodges easily and knocks me to the ground when I'm off balance from the missed blow. She pulls my arms roughly behind me and straddles me, using her weight to keep me pinned. With my face pressed against the grime on the floor, I writhe under her, but she's heavy and strong and I'm weak and injured. I've hardly eaten or drank anything and the pain in my shoulder and hands is making me nauseous and dizzy.

When I have no choice, but to stop struggling the person gently releases my arms. Only when I don't try to move, does she let remove her weight from me. I'm gasping for breath against the dirty floor, I can feel the dirt getting sucked into my mouth on each inhale.

"That wound on your shoulder is never going to heal if you keep this up, Tack."

For a second, I think it Raven and the surge of hope is so fast and unexpected that all the pain seems to disappear from my body. My eyes pop open and my heart drops when I recognize Pippa. Pippa, not Raven. Of course it's not Raven. Lena must have gotten her.

"I thought you were staying in Portland," I manage to gasp out.

"I came back to check on the people left and give some supplies to the people staying or leaving."

I can see the concern in Pippa's eyes, but she's not looking at me with a mix of wariness and pity like everyone else and I like that. She smiles and turns me over onto my back. The pain takes my breath away and I wince, biting the inside of my cheek so I don't cry out. Pippa immediately starts to work on the wound of my shoulder, which is dripping blood down my arm. She stays silent while she examines it and rewraps it with a clean bandage. Then she moves to my hands. My knuckles are split open and bleeding and judging from the pain as she bends my fingers I've probably broken something. I notice her eyes glistening when she takes in the bloody mess of my hands, but it disappears quickly.

"Anywhere else?" she asks.

"My left foot."

She nods and then goes to remove my left shoe. She has to wrestle it off since my foot has already started to swell and it's pretty clear I've broken something.

"You've broken at least two of your toes. There's not much I can do for that put to tape them up. Judging by the swelling you may have a stress fracture in one or more of the metatarsal bones. Your going to have to stay off of it for a while."

I slam my fist into the ground next to me, I can't believe I was so stupid. I've done this to myself and it's not helping anything. I'm only making things worse.

Pippa puts a hand on my clenched fist, gently coaxing me to relax. My hands are shaking and I can feel fine tremors starting to work there way through my body. I'm not sure that it's just a result of the physical pain.

"Pippa..."

"Don't talk yet. I'm going to help you get into bed."

Pippa pulls me up and practically lifts me onto the cot, since I'm leaning most of my weight on her. She tells me to lay down, but I force myself to sit up.

"Pippa. I-I think Raven was pregnant," I say the words quickly, each one feels like a shard of glass.

Pippa stops trying to adjust pillows at the end of the bed to prop my foot up on and stares at me, eyes wide.

"Lena found a pregnancy test in her bag. She said it was positive."

Pippa just stares blankly at me for a few seconds before whipping around and grabbing Raven's bag, still on the floor surrounded by mismatched items. She reaches in and pulls out the white plastic stick. I wait for her to speak, to confirm or deny what Lena said but she just keeps staring at it until I have to speak.

"Was Lena right?"

Pippa eyes snap to mine and she blinks a few times like she forgot I was here. Her eyes fill with tears and she nods.

"Yes, Lena was right. This is a positive pregnancy test."

My heart drops and my stomach seems to come up to my throat. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to fight down the nausea. I feel lightheaded again. I start sway a bit and Pippa materializes in front of me keeping me steady.

"You need to lay down, Tack."

I open my mouth to speak, but no words come. There aren't any words left. I feel wetness hit my arms and I think it must have started to rain again and the water is coming from a hole in the tarp. When I look up though, I don't see any dripping water and the tarp isn't sagging with the extra weight. My hand comes up, unbidden, and I feel the wetness on my face before I feel the tears tracing the line of my jaw and sliding down my cheeks. I clamp my hand over my mouth to try to stifle a sob, but the hitch in my breath still sounds loud in the silence of the trailer. A distant part of my mind screams at me to get it together, to retain some control and composure, but the rest of my mind is drowning and I'm too exhausted to fight. Now that I've started crying, I can't stop.

Pippa wraps her arms around me, pulling my head to her shoulder as my hand drops uselessly down onto my lap. My whole body feels heavy and everything hurts. The sounds of each ragged breath seems to echo in the small space, but I can't keep myself quiet. It's all I can do to keep myself from yelling. I cry against Pippa's shoulder until I'm shaking all over and have to force myself to calm down, since I've nearly made myself sick. Once the tears slow, Pippa helps me lay back on the cot, where I lay on my back unable to draw in a full breath. She props my foot broken foot up and adjust the pillows around me so the I'll be as comfortable as possible with my damaged body. I want to tell her she's done enough for me, but I still can't breath and if I try to speak I'm sure I will gag. I know she has to be hurting too. She loved Raven, and Raven took a bullet that was meant for her. I know Raven wouldn't want anyone to feel responsible for her death, she always stood behind her actions, the good and the bad. Still, knowing that doesn't help when she's gone and there's nothing anyone can do.

"I know it doesn't seem like it now, but someday it will be all right. Please, just don't give up, Tack. It's okay to feel. Pain is part of freedom...and Raven wouldn't want you to give up."

The sound of her name almost sets me off again, but I bite my the inside of my cheek until I taste blood instead. I know she wouldn't want me to be like this. She wouldn't want me to fall apart. She'd tell me there wasn't time for breaking down or giving up, though I think part of the problem is there _is_ time for me to give up. Since taking Portland, everything has

been relatively quiet, besides a few brief skirmishes between some of the zombies still inhabiting a small part of the city. We haven't had to move or fight or even worry about supplies, which meant that my absence wasn't noticed much. There wasn't anything pressing for me to do, so I've had time to sit around and drown myself in my own mind. But it won't stay like this for long. Reinforcements will arrive to attack the city. Eventually, we'll need supplies and there's still a problem organizing people. Suddenly, I know what I have to do.

"I'll go to Portland," I say, my voice a harsh croak through my swollen throat.

Pippa smiles briefly and then pushes some of my hair off my forehead. Her hands are dry and cool against my hot and clammy skin.

"Good," she says. "Now get some rest. I'll stay at the camp until you're able to make the trip."

I force a weak smile that feels more like a grimace, but she smiles back and pats my leg as she turns away.

"Sleep, Tack."

The exhaustion weighs down my limbs and I let my eyes fall shut. I don't know what will happen in Portland or what I'm going to do without Raven. But I know that I can't give up yet. I'm glad I had the chance to love her even though this is how it ended. I'm glad I had the freedom to choose and I know I'm not completely alone, even though it feels like it. As long as my hearts still beating, I can't give up. It won't be easy and it's going to take some time, but I'll try. I'll try because she can't anymore. As I start to drift off, I imagine I can feel Raven next to me, whispering in my ear when she thinks I'm asleep. "_I love you, Michael._"


End file.
